You can’t make this stuff up folks. According to Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defence [sic] Council, our love of soft toilet tissue is going to wreck our planet. In other words, being kind to your po-po is givin’ Gaia fits.

The tenderness of the delicate American buttock is causing more environmental devastation than the country’s love of gas-guzzling cars, fast food or McMansions, according to green campaigners. At fault, they say, is the US public’s insistence on extra-soft, quilted and multi-ply products when they use the bathroom.

“This is a product that we use for less than three seconds and the ecological consequences of manufacturing it from trees is enormous,” said Allen Hershkowitz, a senior scientist at the Natural Resources Defence Council.

“Future generations are going to look at the way we make toilet paper as one of the greatest excesses of our age. Making toilet paper from virgin wood is a lot worse than driving Hummers in terms of global warming pollution.” Making toilet paper has a significant impact because of chemicals used in pulp manufacture and cutting down forests.

A campaign by Greenpeace seeks to raise consciousness among Americans about the environmental costs of their toilet habits and counter an aggressive new push by the paper industry giants to market so-called luxury brands.

Mercy! Maybe we should all grow a patch of switchgrass in the back yard and weave our own, butt-abrading toilet wipes. Of course, those would not be flushable so they would have to go into landfills — how unsanitary! Gaia would belch forth the methane of decomposing human wipes and that would cause more Globaloney Warming that would sink all the islands on the planet into Atlantis-type oblivion — sorry, I do digress.

Actually, some cagey entrepreneurial folk in Australia have a solution — Wallypop Family Wipes.

Lately, with all the media attention, there’ve been a lot of naysayers talking about the stench. I can honestly say, our wipes don’t stink.

Well, what they are really sayin’ is that they are such good little ‘natural living’ environmentalists that their, well, you know, doesn’t stink either. As Australian blogger Andrew Bold remarks:

Surely it’s time global warming believers marked their houses with some sign, a green pentangle or something, as a warning to visitors to enter at their own risk.

Seriously, we gotta know where these nutters live . . . ’cause they are among us — Yipes!

Technorati Tags: Allen Hershkowitz, toilet paper, Greenpeace

This entry was posted on Friday, February 27th, 2009 at 11:46 am and is filed under A Future For Mankind?, Gaia Worship, Global Warming B.S.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.  |   Print This Post  |   Email This Post

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